TRAUGHBER JOURNAL 1885

Tuesday, May 5th, 1885

Another day has dawned on my misery.  The sun shines dimly, being partially obscured by clouds.  The wind roars dismally, sounding to my sad hearing like the sighing of a requiem over the grave of all my earthly hopes.  I had a dream last night, about the only person on earth to whom my soul is ____ in idol trans devotion.  It was not altogether pleasant , as I had wished before retiring.  But as it called up the same loved features, as natural as the reality, I can overlook the unpleasant features of the dream. I feel today as if the voice of my idol were calling me, and I have no power to respond.  Oh! Cruel fate! I cry in the anguish of my soul; but to the irresistible I must bow.  I am alone and lonely.   Hope seems dead.  Ambition dried up. Desire alone remains. I desire to see better and happier days, but not seeing any answer open to the realization of my desires. I sit supinely dower, and waste my time in better lamentations, and foolish repinings.   If I knew what to do to raise myself up, I feel like I could do almost anything; but the circumstances seem to still all the energy of my nature.  I want to be doing something that will bring me money and power, and in idleness, I feel like a fish out of water, but all things seem to conspire __ ___ ___ till I am crushed to the earth.   How sweet must be the song of the little birds to those of light spirits! I once enjoyed their songs, but I have heard more charming music, which around I do not hear.   Thus doubly robbed am I.  The earth clothed in green carpet, set with many strips of flowers, must be beautiful to those who have hope, but a fairer sight, now flown, has robbed me of the joy of admiring the beauties of the world in bloom.

Forenoon, dropped a few rows of corn, copied Mr. Gurley's letter to Mr. Word, wrote letters to Gates Bros., Nurserymen, Fulton, Kane, and York Nursery les., Ft. Scott, Kan.  Dinner at noon.  Half past twelve, thunder began to roll in the S.W., and it was not long till rain began to fall.  At One o'clock cloudy all around, and some rain falling.  It continued to rain for an hour or more, but not steadily.  After supper, played a few pieces on the accordion, but the thought that the hands of my soul's idol had once handled that same instrument, while it consecrated the instrument in my estimations, brought on a train of sad thoughts occasioned by the absence of my adored, so that I could not play long.  After a rambling, pleasureless and profitless conversation with my nephew, I retired near ten o'clock, wishing for a pleasant dream of her, not altogether pleasant.  I dreamed she had come back to the country, and that I passed by her house.  A man I know came to the door and invited me in.  I would not go.  I passed around the house, and walked on the other side.  As I went, I thought that I must not enter that house; but passing by a door on the north side of the house, I going east, a man closely allied legally to my adored came to the door and invited me in. I did not intend to go, but the voice of my charmer spoke, saying that she had a piece of ____ ____ for me.  I went in and she gave it to me.  I touched it to my lips and tasted it, but it had the most abominable taste I ever tasted.  I spat out what I had bitten off and left the house.

Wednesday, May 6th, 1885

Arose at the usual time and had breakfast, my nephew and brother had planned to go fishing.  I went out and shot a rabbit for fish bait.   I started to Roads to mail letters, written yesterday, and to return Mr. Gurley's letter to Mr. Word.  Saw Mr. Lillen, who was going by Roads, and sent my letters by him.  I then went down the creek to hunt up the fishers.  As I walked through the woods in the bright sunshine, I could not help noting some of the beauties of the scene.  Everything beautiful suggested the thought of my idol.  The voices of birds reminded me of her sweet voice, I came to a little lane and sat down on a log to fish.  My eyes watched my line, but my mind was on a far distant object.  I felt desolate, lonely and sad.  I looked at the reflection of the face of the sun in the water at my feet, and it suggested the brightness of a face I cannot now see.  I though: "Oh! How many weary hearts are aching like mine today, in silent sadness, unknown to the world!" Alas! The burden of silent sorrow is not reflected in the search of human misery, but I fear it is of vast magnitude.  All my fellow creatures who bear about their breasts a hidden grief have any sincere sympathy, for I know their pain, even if I do not know them.  I could not help thinking of my dream, and it seemed impressed upon me that I will soon hear something of or from the one on whom my life centers.  I am not much of a believer in dreams, but I will see whichever my premonitions is correct or not.  After some time, I found the other fishers.   The waters bring __ ___ the fish would not bite.  About noon I left them and came home to get dinner and coffee and a good drink of water, after which I laid down and took two hours nap.  About 5 o'clock Misses Ida and Emma Hill came down and spent about a hour.  Miss Emma is the best looking of the two, though, they both seem to be pleasant young ladies.  I am not, however, in a condition to correctly estimate the good qualities of young ladies. If I look at them, it is only to compare them with one I have seen.  They rise or fall in my eye and as they resemble a certain face and form I have have seen, or differ from that excellent one.  While Misses Ida and Emma were here, I commenced a letter to W.G(?) of Independence, MO.  I wrote one page before supper.  My brother came in at supper time: no fish at all had he.   I have not heard from the other fishers.  After supper finished my letter to W.G(?).  It is quite cold this evening for the time of year.  The wind roars like winter time: even this makes me sad.  I remember the winter past. Many a time I sat by the stove near that one, while the ___ ___ without.  It also reminds me of my present self to think of those past times.  Cold without, within, full of a sacred fire. O, such contradictions!  I will soon lie down to rest, I wish for a pleasant dream of the One who is my world. God bless, and angels guard that One tonight!

Thursday, May 7th, 1885

This day was ushered in as usual. Ana(?) and I went over the ____ routine.  Afternoon, went to Roads to get some tidy cotton. Came back feeling bad.  William Powers took supper with us.  After supper,  while I was playing the accordion, my little nieces, Flora and Edda came and brought me a letter from Albert Smith, Avalon, MO., and one from Mrs. Hattie E. Hudson, MO and Valley, ___. Answered the last named at once.  While I was writing, Henry Powers came in. Gave me a letter directed to Virgil MConkling, Bogard, MO., to mail when I go to the P.O. Henry had an essay on Horses, which he wanted me to read over and revise.  After I finished my letter I did so.  Henry left at 9 O'clock, and I went to bed.  Sad thoughts kept me awake till after ten.

Friday, May 8th, 1885

Morning dawned clear, but cold for the time of year.   My brothers, Harrison and Scott started to Norborne(?) about 8 o'clock. I sent an order to Camaron and Hays for ten pictures due __ from them.  Wrote a post script to the letter I wrote last night, and a note to my niece Mrs. Fannie Turner of 501 N. 8th St. Atchison, Ita(?), enclosing my photo to her.  Mrs. Hill came down after ___. W.J. Powers after the "grab hook", to fish his well bucket out.  Mr. Powers said he came ___ bleeding to death last night, by breaking anew a cut he received on his hand last week. Fifteen minutes till eleven: Sad in my heart, and gloomy are my thoughts. Awhile ago I wrote:

Could I thy actual self recall
As easily as I can think of thee,
Thou would not about be at all.
But even present thou wouldn't be with me.

Yes, for that One is ever in my thoughts. O, how I wish for happy days again! In the evening my brothers came back from Norborne, and Emma came with them. Spent time, till bedtime, in talking over various matters and in discussing the pictures in Emma's album.  Slept totally aware.

Saturday, May 9th, 1885

Preliminaries passed as usual. Dropped corn awhile and started to Mandeville.  On the road fell in with James Lang and son.   Got into their wagon and rode to town.  Mr. Lang related many things he had seen in Spiritual circles. Got to Mandeville about 10 o'clock. Mailed letters to Mrs. H.E. Hudson, Fannie Turner, and W.G.(?). Got a few papers for myself and some mail for others. Stopped at M.L. Barnes to leave their mail.  Got home at 12 o'clock. Ate dinner, and went to take mail to Powers. Went home and finished dropping corn.  After supper went over to my brother's awhile, but failed to find interest. Came home and read some in St. Louis Evening Chronicle. Weary, weary! Went to bed near 10 o'clock.

Sunday, May 10th, 1885

Got up as usual. After breakfast shaved and dressed.  About half past ten, A_t_ol, Emma's oldest boy and I went up to the church. Only a few were there.  I got tired of waiting for them to come in, and returned home. Sat in silent thought till dinner.  After dinner, walked out and went to see poor old Luke Bradley, who is a great sufferer with rheumatism. Did not stay long, and returned home, when I found John Marshbarger(?). His wife and boy had gone with all the women folks over to my brother's.  The Hill girls came down and started over to Death's but met Emma and Sister and Mrs. Marshbarger coming back. I must say that among them all, I failed to find anything to enjoy or interest me.  The bright eyes of little Guy, Emma's youngest boy was all that possessed interest for me, and that mainly because the reminded me of a pair of eyes I may not see again. Sad day this! Two months ago today, I stood before the adored of my soul, and she gave me carte blanche to speak to her as I would. That one moment was happy, but O, the misery which has followed it! From one side, it seems but yesterday; but from another point of view it seems like ages have elapsed since two months ago today. All our visitors went away before night. Weary, weary I retired.

Monday, May 11th, 1885

After breakfast went with Achol(?) down to Roads to see if we could find a wagon going down to Norborne, so that Achol(?) could go down; but after hanging around there till about 10 o'clock, did not find any wagon and had to return home. Stopped to see my niece Mrs. Ella Colby. Achol(?) soon got tired of staying there, and struck out for home. I came home, feeling worn out mentally and physically. Darkened a room and laid down for an hour. I did not sleep, neither was I awake; existence for the most part being a black. Got up at 12 o'clock, feeling some better. Ate dinner. Oh! The weight upon my heart! Half past two: the sky is overcast with clouds, and there are indications of rain. It did not rain to amount to anything. Weary, weary, went to bed about 9 o'clock. As my head presses the pillow, I wished that I could have a dream that would show the the truth.

Tuesday, May 12, 1885

The dawn was cloudy. About 7 o'clock the clouds and mists gave way and the sun shown forth in splendor. In answer to my wish last night I had a dream.  If that dream showed the truth, I am satisfied; but I fear it is too nearly as I would have it to be true. My dream, for the time at least, gives me consolation. I feel better this morning than I have for some time. Pleasant dreams are a comfort if they do not amount to anything more. Afternoon went to Manderville. Stopped on the way and talked with J.T. Shirley, Wm. Redding and J.C. Goodson. At Mandeville bought rice, soda, starch and stamps. Got mail for Mrs. Redding and Miss Amanda Mossbarger, package of books for Jas. M. Traughber, and letters for myself from Gates Bros. Nurserymen, Fulton, Kan., J.A. Shivily, Ft. Scott, Kan., A. Ward, Denver, (?), and Prof. T.A. Bearse, Astrologer, Boston, Mass. The last professes to be a reading of future life. I can't make much of it, it is so mixed up. After supper took mail to my brother's. Helped to lift up an old mare. Played with little Guy awhile and went to bed not feeling so hopeful as in the morning.

"A pair of eyes in which I often gazed
In joyous other days I now find missing;
The want of Thee my fevered mind has ___,
And in my veins my poison blood sat hissing."

Wednesday, May 13th, 1885

The day dawned bright and fair. Had a rather disgusting dream last night, which has a depressing effect on me. Dreams have considerable influence upon my feelings next day. Last night the old man died. Oh! For another sight of the disturber of my thoughts and life! But I see not that it would result in good to either of us. A while before noon I laid down to rest. I stopped my ears to the discords spinning around, and shut out all present sights, that I might hold converse with the angel of the past, and commune in spirit with the angel of the future as I would have that angel appear.  In the afternoon wrote letters to Albert Smith, Avalon, MO., O.H. Burton, Du Qua__, Ill., Chas. Tucker, Spearfish, Dakota, and Prof. T.A. Brarse, Boston, Mass. Feeling weary and all out of sorts, I laid down and rested a while. After supper carried little Guy around awhile, and gazed into his eyes which so much reminds me of dear eyes I have looked into. My nephew having come over, I talked with him till bed time. Retired at 10 o'clock, restless and weary, but slept not till after 12 o'clock.

Thursday, May 14th, 1885

Woke early, conscious of the fact that last night I had a rather pleasant dream concerning the one of whom it is written:

    "All my best of being thou dust fill."

The morning is somewhat overcast, which indications of rain; but as it has not rained for more than a week, it may not rain. The rain all passed around. About 10 o'clock Warfield Walker and M.L. Barnes came in and said that Col. Vanderlip, pension agent would meet them here after awhile. Warfield walked out into the fields, and when he came back, said that they would go over to Scott's. Today wrote letters to J.C. Bogard and C.J. Gates of Fulton Kansas, and A. Ward of Denver. I also wrote a letter to Clark Braden, but burned it up. Mrs. Hill, Bittie, my sister-in-law, her daughter Ella, my niece and Jerusa visited us this evening. The shades of night have fallen. Three months ago tonight, how did I feel? I was in suspense to hear from a note that I had given to a certain person! I will retire before long.

Friday, May 15, 1885

The day dawned rather fair. The wind rose early, and has been blowing pretty strong all day. The event of the day is mother's birthday dinner. She is 72 years old today. My brother Scott, his wife Bittie, his son James, daughters Laura, Flora, Edda and Dess, and sons Virgil and Robie took dinner with us. My niece, Emma Watawa and her sons Athol and Guy were here. At dinner Eugenia remarked that there were four generations at the table at once, viz.: my father and mother, my brother and sister, Emma, my oldest brothers oldest daughter and her little boy Guy on her lap. After dinner, I wrote a letter to Hurst(?), 198 Fulton Street, New York, ordering a book entitled the "Flirt", price 25 cts. I intend to study all that book can tell me about secret and l__d signals between the sexes; I will also seek knowledge by oral instruction. Today I prepared some questions to ask the superior of some first class lead establishment, at the first opportunity.  It is not for the purpose of using this knowledge in lewd practices, but to unmask hypocrisy.

(Three months ago today, I was in a perplexed state of mind. I had made a delicate and ___ questionable declaration to a certain one, thus, to a certain extent, placing myself in that one's power; and I did not know how it was going to terminate.)

After supper played awhile with little Guy, then tried the fiddle and accordion; but failed to get a light heart. 9 O'clock has come, and as the wind howls dismally without, I am reminded of the events of the past winter. Sometimes I can hardly believe it has been; it seems like a dream, and I could almost persuade myself the the events of the past winter never happened if it were not that they are interlocked with other events and facts which attest the sad reality of the occurrences. Yes, it is but too true, as the settled sadness of spirit which enshrouds me, and the continual gnawing of unutterable anguish at my heart bears witness.

"Though I may laugh and seem quite gay,
For their amusement passing time away,
I know that from my sadness __
I cannot fly, nor drive away the thought
Of peerless you, so doubly lost to me."

God bless and angels guard that one tonight, I humbly pray.

Saturday, May 16, 1885

The dawn was hazy, clouds began to form. I went to Mandeville in the forenoon. Got some mail for myself, some for Scott's family, a letter and paper for Eugenia, and a package for Mrs. Barnes.  Sold Mrs. Graham a copy of "The Problem of Problems" by Clark Braden, for $1.50. Started home but when I got to Mrs. Barnes it began to rain. I stopped and took dinner, and it rained all evening so that I could not get away till nearly night. Got home and ate supper. After supper, Haymon and Jerusa and Emma and Sister played ___.  After awhile Sister quite and I took her place, Jerusa being my partner. We beat them. At 10 o'clock we went to bed.

Sunday, May 17th, 1885

The dawn was rather beclouded. Some sprinkles in the morning. Washed, shaved and dressed. No church to go to. Sat around and passed dull time. Henry Hill came down to get some cappers(?) for a sick cat. After dinner got Barlow's "Voices" and read a good deal to Eugenia, after which we discussed Spiritualism and other subjects most of the afternoon. I walked out and repeated the lines entitled "I never can forget you". Came in and laid down. Willie Graw came and I had to wake up up and attend to him. He wanted to see if he could get some sudcorn. Jerusa came over after supper, and we passed an hour or two in dissatory(?) conversation. Went to bed about 9 o'clock.

Monday, May 18th, 1885

The morning dawned bright and fair. The birds sing sweetly and a spirit of freshness __ to ___, but it is wasted on me. I walked out awhile this morning. As I passed through the outer gate, I felt a pang of sadness, sharp and intense as if from recent sorrow. I looked upon the spot where stood the owner of the eyes which charmed me. It was the very place I first met those eyes. I tried to move myself out of my sorrow, but a sigh is the answer to any efforts.  The day passed without any event worthy of note. Little Guy took a notion that he would not go to bed, but would sit in my lap. I tried to tell him it was 10 o'clock to get him to sleep, but his mother had to whip him.

Tuesday, May 19, 1885

The dawn was rather fair, but by 10 o'clock the sky was overcast and the sun obscured. Two months yesterday since I parted from that on to whom I said:

"When no ___ a light of your dear self
May cheer my eyes, I drift, ___
On the stream of life."

It is all one to me whether the sun shines or whether clouds mar the beauty of the heavens, for clouds have settled on my spirit, which obscures the light without which other light gives little pleasure. 11:10: - Thunder roars in the South, and a heavy cloud seems coming up. Already rain drops have fallen.

But the rain failed to come according to contract. After dinner, Jerusa(?) came along and wanted me to go fishing with him. We dug worms for bait, and repaired to the creek some 2 miles away. Fished all evening. I caught 5 little cats, and Jerusa(?) caught eleven. Came home near night, weary in mind and body. Smoked, sang and thought till 9 o'clock,and went to bed.

Wednesday, May 20th, 1885

After breakfast, walked to Mandeville. Mailed some letters for Emma. Got a letter from J.H. Shirley and a copy of the Pilot Grove Mirror. Also got 15 cts worth of ____ for Emma, and a bunch of envelopes. Came home in time for dinner after which I went out to tell Frank Marshberger to take his planter to J.T. Shirley. Mother and sister and Emma went up to Mr. Hills. Bittie and Ella came over near 3 o'clock, and I went after Emma and sister, and they came home. After supper played the accordion awhile but it did not give much pleasure. Worried along till bed time, and went to bed. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. If thoughts were dollars I would be a rich man. These are the days which try my soul. O, how hard it is to be gay and cheerful outwardly, when the soul is heavy and dark!

Thursday, May 31st, 1885

Confused, disconnected dreams last. Among the chaos of confused thoughts and images, I remember certain eyes which I so much wish to see materially. Why is my heart so set on probable folly? If I suffer pain without a cause, my existence is an anomaly. But from my secret thoughts I cannot fly, though I have to pretend to be interested in other matters. After breakfast, I went out, got the buggy out, greased it, harnessed the horses and hitched to it, and took niece Emma and her little son Guy and drove over Dennis Colby's. Owing to the disability of one of the horses it was an annoying trip - had to go so slow. Arrived Dennis', Emma and Guy went in, and I hitched the horses to the fence, and walked over to the Cross Roads, could not get the __ of sugar I wanted. Bought a little harp for two cents, came home, and unhitched, and went over to give a letter to Jerusa that I got yesterday and failed to give to him. Got little Robie to sleep. Mrs. Walker is with us today. Afternoon I wrote to Mr. J.H. Gurly, Pleasanton, Iowa, and to the editor of the Lewisville Headlight, of Lewisville, Decator County, Texas. After supper Jerusa annoyed me with his __ a great deal. I got up and left the house, and walked out nearly to the church and back. I got out my MS. book after I came back, and read all the "Sonnets" I have written, and other pieces. I sat and smoked and thought till 10 O'clock, and went to bed. As I lay upon my bed I reviewed the past few months and speculated on the events of the future. When the solemn silence of the night comes, and thoughts seem to solidify into images in my mind, and memory reproduces even the very sounds I have heard on certain occasions, I have to start and open my eyes to keep my heart from bursting.

Friday, May 22, 1885

The day dawned rather hazy on account of smoke. I awoke rather early, and did not feel well. I had bad dreams last night, which disturbed the equanimity(?) of my slumbers. I dreamed of mud, slush, steeps, negroes, women and other things which broke rest. The day passed without events of monument. Wrote a letter to Dr. M.E. Dobson of Maquaketa, Iowa. Retired at about 9 o'clock.

Saturday, May 23, 1885

Awoke in the morning feeling rather well. Had dreams which are usually considered lucky. Dreamed of catching fish, and of clear water. Jerusa and I went to Mandeville rather early. I mailed my letters, and while waiting for the mail, felt impressed to walk out into the woods North of the village. It seemed to me like I ought to find something out there that would be of benefit to me, but I found nothing that I could see was particularly valuable, unless it may be that the discovery of some Valerian of "Lady's Slipper" growing there may be. Returned and got my mail, and a paper for Mrs. Barnes and came home. After supper Emma and I played euehre(?) against Harrison and Sister, and they quit two games ahead of us. Retired between ten and eleven o'clock.

Sunday, May 24, 1885

Dreams not as pleasant last night, Lelands(?) came up in the morning and some rain fell, but towards noon it faired. After dinner, Emma and I played a few games of checkers. We had also played some before noon, as I had played with H. Emma, Sister and I, with Athol(?) and Guy went over to Scott's, and stayed awhile. Emma sang and played. Came back and Mr. and Mrs. Hill came down and stayed till after supper. After supper I took a walk and saw my first snake this year; killed him so that I may triumph over my enemies. Emma and I talked old times and sang old songs till near nine. It is now ten minutes past nine, and I will smoke and retire.

Monday, May 25th, 1885

Arose moderately early and ate breakfast, after which I went out cut some sticks to stick peas with; there hard in the garden till near ten o'clock. Read awhile. Had Emma to dictate to me the song "Ella Ree" and I wrote it. P__ and water and feed the horses. After dinner wrote a letter to C.J. Gates of Fulton, Kan., and went to Manderville in the wagon with A.P. Rose. Got a letter from A. Ward of Denver. He also sent me a copy of the Saints Herald. I got paper as follows: American Nonconformist, D__ Iowa, Star Gazer, Boston, Pilot Grove Mirror, Delegrahic Advocate, Sidalia, and "The Flight". Bought 50 cts worth of sugar, 25 cts worth of tea, 10 cts worth of candy. Went with A.P. Rose to his brother Theodore's to get some corn, went home. After supper and it is now half past 9, and I will wash my mouth and soon go to bed. Alas! That vague unrest is still my portion! I am lonely in the midst of a multitude. O for a dream tonight of one whom I so much wish to see. God and good angels bless, guard and guide that one tonight I pray.

Tuesday, May 26th, 1885

Day dawned clear. After breakfast went out to plant corn. Planted till noon. Clouds came up and it rained some little, and continued threatening till 4 o'clock. We then thought we could go and finish, but had not done much, until it began raining so that we had to quit. Sister had been taken with sick headache before ___ and Mother and Emma had been trying to do something for her. After supper went out and milked. 7 o'clock p.m. It is raining now, and I think it will probably rain some tonight. Sister seems somewhat easier now, Jerusa came in a few minutes ago, and he and Harrison and Emma are discussing various questions. From all these things I turn to thoughts to me more important. I will read awhile and go to bed. I wish that I could dream a comforting dream, concerning the one in whom my mind is interested more than others. It is strange that such things must be.

Wednesday, May 24th, 1885

The dawn was clouded, and the weather a drizzle(?). After breakfast, milked and made up my bed, and went out with Harrison to finish planting corn. Just as we got back to the house, it commenced to rain, but did not rain much. It is cloudy, and cooler then for some days past. Sister is feeling better today, but Emma is not well today. As to myself, I feel dull. I took two Wood's pills last night. I am in better physical than mental condition. I am often inclined to blame myself for allowing a foolish infatuation to so unhinge me. I fear it will result in much evil to me yet, and may be to my fascination. I am not settled as to that, for it may depend a good deal on developments of the future.

Thursday, May 25th, 1885

The dawn was clouded. It rained some in the forenoon. Faired somewhat at afternoon. Sun set was partially obscured by clouds. Walked out to W.J. Powers for awhile after supper. Came back about 9 o'clock. Read awhile, and retired at ten.

Friday, May 29th, 1885

The dawn was rather clouded, but not with definite thunderings of rain, until near 7 o'clock, when rain began to fall. Bad dreams disturbed the equilibrium of my spirits last night, and I arose not feeling at all well, either in body or mind. Could not eat much breakfast., and that I did left a bad taste in my mouth. After breakfast I walked out and felt almost like a drunk again. I felt as if I would fall down but I braced myself against it. I feel this morning like I do not care to see but one person on earth, and am not very particular about seeing that one. Fact is, I feel all played out.

Saturday, May 30, 1885

Bright dawn. Rose jaded from long walk Friday afternoon, going around to get names of children of school age; also from having been up rather late hearing Miss Alpha Powers sing and play. Forenoon, helped Emma and Sister wash. Afternoon, started to Mandeville but found that Jerusa had gone. Stayed awhile at Scott's hearing the little fellows sing and play. Came home; took a nap; shaved and dressed. Jerusa came with mail. Received letters from Dr. A.B. Dobson, Maquaketa(?), Iowa, Albert Smith, Avalon, MO., and a card from H. & L. Vincent(?), Tabor, Iowa. Went to bed late.

Sunday, May 31, 1885

Beautiful dawn. Rose, made my bed and had breakfast. After breakfast brushed Emma's hair, and took a walk out. About ten o'clock Mrs. Powers and her daughter Alpha came, but went away before noon. Afternoon I walked down to A.P. Rose's. He had gone fishing, but returned in the course of an hour after I went there. Bill Street was with him, and with them I talked till about six o'clock, then started home. As I was passing W.J. Power's, Mrs. P. who was sitting on the porch called to me and told me that Alpha wanted me to come in and learn her the tune to the song - "Lula Wall", I went in and sang it over with her several times, then had her to sing and play some. Came home too late to eat supper at the first table. After supper talked a while with Emma, then played the harp awhile; after which I put on my coat and hat and walked out up past the church and back. While out I repeated the piece entitled "Bubbles from the Heart". As I did so, she to whom they were written seemed to stand again before me, to flit by my side, to laugh, to sing, to sit beside me as she did in days forever gone. O, God! 9:10. I shall soon retire. May I dream of that One. God bless, and angels guard and keep that one tonight and may we meet again.

Monday, June 1st, 1885

Dawn clouded. Rose up feeling bad. Had breakfast, made my bed. Scott and Harmon went to Norborne today, and Athol(?) went along. He had been   wanting to go for some time, bur never had a chance till today. Today commences another month. I have little hope that it will bring one more pleasure than the month past. Today seven years ago was the time of the cyclone at Richmond, MO. Five years ago today, Mossbarger and I went to Norborne, and as we came back that evening, we heard that Leroy Taylor had died that day. This morning, I wrote some song ballads for Miss Alpha Powers, then went out into the garden and made corn ridges to plant tomato sets in, and held in the garden till I blistered my left hand.  The blister reminded one of what old Johnie Young said to his son Aaron, when the latter wanted to study for the ministry, viz.: "If prayers were hoe handles, there would be many a blister in hell". I learn from the papers that Victor Hugo died May 22nd. - Alas! That face still stands upon the mirror of my heart. That form so charming is imagined there! Memory recalls the days of the past, and their events arise in vivid panorama. It gives both pleasure and pain. The clock shows 11am and I will stop, and see what the rest of the day will bring about. Afternoon, nothing of importance occurred. 10 PM: Light going bad, must to bed. No; by shaking the lamp, I got oil into the wick and that raised the flame. After supper I walked out up to the church and laid down on the stile. I indulged many afflictions. I thought of many whose feet had pressed that stile in days past, but will never do so again. I gazed upon the starry dome above me, and the brightest stars suggested two eyes I have seen. (O, how I long to gaze into those eyes again!) I thought, how insignificant is the individual man. After awhile, I turned homeward. I examined the clock and played the harp. May I dream tonight of that one, whose eyes are brighter to me than the evening star. God pity me, and bless that one, and let the angels guard.

Tuesday, June 2nd, 1885

Dawned clear and bright. Arose not feeling well. After breakfast cut some weeds in the yard, then spent most of the forenoon hoeing in the garden. Not feeling well when dinner came on, and did not eat much dinner. Afternoon, saddled Lex and rode t Mandeville. Saw no body there except Oth. Wheat, besides those who lived there. People generally busy plowing corn. Received a letter from C.J. Gates, Fulton, Kan. Returned home and when I arrived, I felt very weak and had smoked; felt worse. Laid down and took a nap. Had confused dreams of somebody that I would be very glad to see. After I awoke I did not feel better, but went out and carried in wood, watered the hogs, and went to hoeing in the garden. Hoed some after supper, then went to the school house and played a good while on the harp. Returned and filled my lamp, smoked, wound the clock and prepared to write. 9:20: It threatens rain tonight. Clouding all around the board, with thunder. It was very hot today, for the time of year, 92 degrees in the shade. With prayer in heart for the one who is much in my thoughts, and a hope that I may yet see good days, though so few in prospect now, I will close for tonight.

Wednesday, June 3rd, 1885

Dawn obscured by clouds. Rose feeling poorly, after not having slept till near twelve o'clock, and having been disturbed by troubled dreams. After breakfast it rained slowly for an hour or two, but began to break away and cleared by noon. Afternoon helped to replant some corn, then came in and worked in the garden most of the evening. Read some of the Shakespearean Sonnets. After supper watered the hogs and got corn to feed the cow, then played the accordion and harp and sang awhile. Took a walk and came in tonight. My heart feels heavy and my spirit sad, because I hopelessly long to see one whom I have no reasonable prospect of seeing any time soon, and may be never on earth again. While walking out, these lyrics came to me:

I seek no other to assure
Than the wealth your love can give;
I ask no greater pleasure
Than in your smile to live.

I pray a blessing on that one, and that I may see that one again. 9:20: Threatens rain again. I have a slight headache. Will stop for tonight, hoping that I may dream of ----,-------. {his dashes}

Thursday, June 4th, 1885

Dawned fair. Not much rain last night. Did not sleep till late, but felt better this morning than usual. After breakfast walked out. Played checkers with Emma and awhile then went out and hoed in the garden. Went in and played checkers again. After dinner played more.  Walked out into the field. Niece Laura came over to see us this afternoon. Emma and Guy went over to Scott's awhile. Came back before supper. Wrote a letter to nephew A.F. Sorieth(sp), Avalon, MO, and commenced one to A. Ward, Denver, which I took up again after supper and finished a few minutes ago, then commenced to write in this book. Fifteen minutes till ten: I will soon seek repose in the arms of Morphies, but may not find it right away, as it is quite warm. It threatens rain again tonight. I know that when I lie down, I shall think of one so far away, and my heart in tender sadness will mourn; for I long so much to see that dear, loved one again that no lasting pleasure I can see. Blessings on that one, God and good angels ground is will.

Friday, June 5th, 1885

Dawned clear. Rose up tolerably early feeling tolerably well. Had breakfast, made my bed, took a walk. Helped wash in the foreroom. Afternoon, played checkers with Emma. Laura came over again this evening. Feeling bad, I laid down and took a nap. The day has passed without event of importance, I will make no further entry at present.

Saturday, June 6th, 1885

Dawn clear. Rose not feeling well. After breakfast went to Mandeville. On the way, rode two miles, with Mr. Hammon, deputy sheriff of Carroll Co. Arrived in town, got three letters for Emma and one for Sister, two for Miss Alpha Powers, and one for W.J. Powers. Left orders for the P.M. to forward Emma's mail to Norborne.  Went home, took dinner and went down to give Powers' their mail. Mr. P. was planting a little patch of corn, and I dropped it for him. I gave Alpha some song ballads which I had written for her, and she wanted one to sing then so she could learn the tunes.  After singing with Alpha, I went home and found E.N. Ware and his wife there. Emma had gone over to Scott's, but came back after supper. I told her that I had promised Alpha that we would come and see her that evening. I shouldered Guy and we went. Emma and Alpha played and sang awhile and we returned home. Talked on various topics till near eleven o'clock, and went to bed.

Sunday, June 7th, 1885.

Rose rather early. After breakfast began to get ready to leave home. Harmon, Emma, Guy, Virgil and I drove to Bruce's near Norborne. I stayed till half past five, and parted from them. H. and V. had gone previously. I kissed sweet little Guy and shook hands with Emma. When Guy heard me say goodbye, he cried and said he wanted to go. I went to Norborne, mailed a card that Emma sent by ___, bought a ticket to Kansas City for $1.90, took supper at Woodford's hotel, and at 6:35PM, took the train. I had many sad thoughts. I saw John Forbes on the platform at ___ and waved my hand at him. Just before we got to the St. Le. bridge, the storm struck us, and the rain and hail fell in torrents. Arrived at __, had my baggage checked and after walking around awhile went to a hotel and took lodging. Bugs bit me so that I could not sleep much. Awake early. Arose and went down and took breakfast. Went over to the Union Depot. My train did not start till ten. About ___, the little negro girls began to gather at the depot and continued till the Fort Scott and Gulf train started. Not less than two or three hundred negros took the train for Marion Park about 9 miles from St.L. I had started to Fulton, Kansas, where I arrived around 3 o'clock PM. Went to the Fulton House, Jas. Riskop(sp) proprietor. Mr. Gates, the one I came to see got on the train as I got off, and will not be back till 9 o'clock tonight. Had a pretty good time talking after supper with different ones. Retired near ten o'clock.

Tuesday, June 9, 1855

Woke about half past 7 o'clock, after having slept well. After washing and dressing went down to the office and when the morning train came in from Ft. Scott, Mr. Gates came. He comes over to the hotel and I met him. Said he would be back in about an hour and a half, but it was five minutes past eleven and he is not back yet. Mr. Gates did not come in till near 1 o'clock. He informed me that we would start to Ft. Scott in a short time. As soon as the train came Mr. and Mrs. Gates and I got aboard and went down to Ft. Scott. He took me to the Wilder House and sent Mrs. Gates out to her mothers. He took me around town awhile, and went out to where his wife was , and returned to my hotel. After supper I walked out awhile, and returned to the hotel and commenced to write a letter to my sister. I was about to finish the letter when I was interrupted by a cry of fire. When the fire was out, I finished and went to bed.